Getting premarital counseling is not an admission that your relationship is weak or in trouble before it begins. It indicates that you are one of the few couples who take building a marriage seriously. A wedding can be planned in months; an eternal marriage must be built over a lifetime. Beginning this journey armed with tools for success is a worthy pursuit.
I have counseled engaged couples for three decades. Over the years, I’ve found that five anchors are key to launching a couple into family life together. They provide a framework for building a strong and lasting marriage. Whether you are preparing for marriage or have been married for decades, these five anchors can strengthen your relationship.
Five Anchors of a Strong Marriage
Meaning
Couples who share life purposes, values, and direction do much better in marriage. One of the first assignments I give couples in premarital counseling is developing a Governing Purpose for their relationship. This becomes their marital North Star, guiding decisions they make together and individually. To create this Governing Purpose, each person first develops a personal purpose for this life and beyond. Knowing who you are and what you stand for means bringing your whole self into the marriage. Then the two of you combine those statements. Bringing your personal mission statements together into one marital Governing Purpose is a powerful beginning to a lif of eternal bliss.
Friendship
Are you friends? Have you spent enough time talking to each other? Do you discuss important, values-based, fun, and serious topics together? Can you honestly say that you admire each other? Is your knowledge of each other’s purposes in life complete enough to know that you are compatible? Couples who enjoy a friendship, follow their Governing Purpose, and share a common vision love more deeply and enjoy more romance throughout their lives.
Conflict
Can you disagree without cruelty, coercion, or withdrawal? Couples who understand the rules of healthy conflict will enjoy their lives together more fully. To engage in conflict—or argue fairly—the couple must always be on the same team. They stand together as they seek to understand each other. They listen intentionally to each other’s point of view. They seek common ground and negotiate agreements where differences remain. Couples who fight fairly check in often on the agreements they made during conflict. They look out for each other as they resolve the issues they face.
Repair
A repair is a bid for peace offered by one partner, but it takes both partners to make it work. One must reach out, and the other must be willing to receive the attempt. It never matters who reaches out first, only that one of you reaches out and begins the process of repair. During the repair of marital struggles, it is most important to remember that you are on the same team. Never compete with each other to be right. Proving who is right rarely helps you reach the right agreements for love and romance to thrive.
Commitment
Bringing together two whole people who choose the marriage without keeping one foot out the door is powerful. The goal is not a conflict-free marriage. It is a marriage in which friendship is strong, differences are handled respectfully, repair happens quickly, and both partners protect the relationship. Commitment means being teammates who never compete but always stand together. Commitment is what pulls it all together for the good of the union.
Relationships & Connection
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Matt lives in St. George, Utah, where he and his wife, Chris, are enjoying their life with each other. Since their children have grown up and moved out to pursue their dreams, Matt and Chris travel the world. They want to visit 200 countries before they are done. Matt and Chris are active in their community and enjoy working out, training for marathons, and spending time participating in numerous activities with their adult children.
Matt received a PhD in psychology. He is focused on the arena of resolving personal conflicts and improving interpersonal relationships. In addition to his doctorate degree, Matt has earned a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, studied criminal justice and received a category one license with Peace Officer Standards and Training, and received a degree in the Arts of Business Management. Matt is a professor at Dixie State University and hopes to be part of the positive growth of Southern Utah.